Don’t get me wrong, I love out of town guests and tourists during Mardi Gras. But I do feel the need to both warn and educate them in advance about the dos and don’ts of the festivities.

  • Please don’t knock down or shove the children and the elderly to get to beads. Trust me there are plenty of them coming your way. You don’t need to be an asshole to get some. Someone might just call you out for it or kick your ass. Don’t be surprised if that elderly lady you just knocked down gets up and whacks you in the head with her cane. Don’t climb a child’s ladder trying to steal beads as well. That is just freaking tacky.
  • Don’t pick up the beads out of the street. People puke and pee there and that is just nasty. At the very least, those beads are covered in stale beer, and you can never get that smell out. Leave them alone. Catch more in the air or beads that landed in the grass. Plus, you look like a crazy person kneeling in the street like a beggar.
  • Don’t steal beads off of fences and trees. Those beads on fences are decorative and belong there. Most likely, the fence’s owner took great care in arranging them. Trees like beads too. We consider those year round decorations. If you want beads that bad, go buy some. They are cheap and plentiful. If  we see you with a pole taking beads of of trees on St. Charles, we will mock you.
  • Don’t steal beads or anything else you consider minor from your host(s). They might have kept some beads from a previous year. Those are not yours for the taking. Get your own. Don’t take food, beer, cash, doubloons, or anything else without asking permission. Your host is not a charity. Don’t take advantage of his or her kindness. Get your own stuff.
  • Despite popular opinion, our streets are not trash cans. Crush your cans, empty them and place them in a trash recepticle or pack them away yourself. I personally take mine home with me to my recycle bin. Whatever you choose to do with the trash you create, just don’t throw it in the street.
  • You cannot break the law during Mardi Gras. You are allowed to drink in public and enjoy the revelry. You are not allowed to have sex in a public place, pee in an alley, grope random people, steal, disrespect the police, or appear in public so drunk you become a nusaince. People do get arrested every year, despite the police force’s best efforts to look the other way. This usually means you did something so flagrant that it couldn’t be ignored. Don’t be that person we see on YouTube. If a cop asks you to do something, just say yes.
  • Don’t show up with ladders, couches, ropes, etc. expecting to rope off part of the neutral ground (that is what you call a median) or the sidewalk. Those areas either belong to someone already (like it is their front yard) or are public areas you have no claim to. The cops may show up and take your items. Or worse, you may find yourself in a battle with locals over the space. Unless you paid to be in a viewing stand, you have no special area.
  • Don’t park in someone else’s space, in the neutral ground, or across someone’s sidewalk. Hopefully you have a friend who can show you a place to park that will not result in a ticket or a tow. You also don’t want to alienate the people that live near your friend by stealing the parking space they pay for on a regular basis. Let’s all just get along people!
  • Pace yourself. Just because you can drink in public and liquor is cheap here does not mean you should end up with alcohol poisoning. Don’t be the moron who ends up face down in a river of urine. Hydrate! This does not mean with alcohol. And eat something filling like bread before imbibing. Trust me when I say that we never run out of drinks in this city. You cannot enjoy Mardi Gras from a bathroom. So one more time, PACE YOURSELF.
  • People live here. This is not DisneyLand. Every time you pee on a door or throw a bottle at a fence or window, you are defacing someone’s property. The French Quarter might be like an adult amusement park, but it has residents. Don’t do anything here you wouldn’t do at home. We are not Vegas. What happens in NOLA, doesn’t always stay in NOLA.

Most of all, enjoy yourself, spend some cash, and come back soon!

 

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Nikki Randolph is a LSU grad with a degree in political science. By day, she is a minion to the man; by night, she is a Faulkner wannabe. You can follow her on twitter @nolajeepgirl