Carnival season is under way and Fat Tuesday is just around the corner. Everyone is talking about the extra five pounds they have been carrying since the first King Cake made it’s way into their office this year (followed by another one everyday) and preparing for their out of town guests. If you have experienced at least one Mardi Gras and lived to tell about it you are probably already familiar with “Mardi Gras etiquette” and you wouldn’t be caught dead wearing a strand of beads you didn’t catch or yank out of the hands of a ten year old girl. You probably already know that Randazzo’s has the best king cakes in town, whatever shoes you are wearing you will most likely never be able to wear again, and that at least one of your so called “professional drinker” friends will throw up on themselves. You learned your lesson last year about staying on your side of the Street (St Charles that is) and wouldn’t dare commit to going to a party on Magazine if you live on Baronne and you have already mesmerized the parade schedules. Whether you are a Mardi Gras virgin or have been doing it since you were a kid, here are some surefire tips to make sure you make it to next years festivities…
5. Bead Leashes. Beads ought to be good for something right? After you have caught everything that the krewes have been throwing you it feels like your neck is going to break if you hang one more strand around it. Try instead creating a leash out of beads to keep your untrustworthy friends on so they will not get lost in the crowd. I wasn’t a fan of this idea when I came to town as an 18 year old college freshman to visit my older sister who felt legally responsible for me, but now that I am on the other end of the leash it’s not so bad. If that surprises any of you just know that while I in no way claim to be responsible most of my friends are bigger degenerates than I am.
4. Adderall. If you aren’t one of the 9 out of 10 people already prescribed it, go hang out in the Tulane library and score some. Not only will you not need to worry about finding food for several days, this should step up your parade endurance as well….and if its 4 am Monday morning and you are falling asleep at the bar while your friends have insisted you are staying out all night until after Zulu rolls at 8am just go in the bathroom and crush a few of these bad boys. Sure Igor’s will kick you out when some drunk loser tells the bartender you were snorting coke off the toilet seat but you’ll have enough energy to move on to another spot. NOTE* cocaine is not orange and my compact is not a toilet seat. How many hurricanes do we think this girl had?
3. Depends. Unless you are lucky enough to have friends that live on the parade route, its never a bad idea to slip on some depends before heading out. Sure this sounds ridiculous since you have been potty trained since you were 6 but if you can find a bathroom (that flushes) that doesn’t charge you to use it, you will probably be waiting in line for hours….or maybe it just feels like hours when you are already wasted and you didn’t even realize you had to go until it was too late. Trust me there is nothing cute about wetting yourself in line at Superior Grille…just thank your lucky stars you didn’t eat anything there!
2. Head Gear. Although your hair will likely be a mess the rest of the night and you will look half-retarded, better safe than sorry when it comes to things being thrown at your face. I learned my lesson the hard way at Endymion 2 years ago when I got taken out by a bag of beads. A helmet and some goggles would have saved me from the black eye I sported until almost Easter, but I shouldn’t complain because some people should have brought their mouth guards.
1. Start drinking now. Really the only way to excel at something is through practice so if you aren’t hardcore enough to make it for at least 6 days of non-stop drinking without sleep better start prepping now. You don’t want to be the loser who goes too hard too fast and burns out by Monday!
Happy Mardi Gras!!
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Rachael is originally from Harrisburg, PA where she plans to be mayor one day. In the meantime she keeps busy cleaning the skeletons out of her closet, catering to the needs of a very spoiled Siberian Huskie, and hosting her own radio show, Plan DD: The morning after Rachael. Rachael can be reached for questions/comments at rkostel7@gmail.com.
