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Being constantly bombarded with announcements of people’s engagements, marriages, and babies I started to ask myself, what the hell is wrong with everyone? I am tired of family members and friends asking me when I plan on getting hitched like there is something wrong with me for embracing my singlehood when these are the same people that complain about how much they hate their significant others to anyone who will listen.  Hardly any married person I know is happy, and those who seem to be are probably just pretending.   On the other hand, people who married for A LOT of money also despise their spouses, BUT they seem more relaxed, and complain with less venom, while sitting in their italian villas. When responding with “never” or “no time soon” these peoples expressions change from questioning to sympathetic to an insulting insinuation that is that negative attitude which makes you unmarryable.  Contrary to popular belief, there are actually women in this world who do not dedicate their entire college education to finding a MRS degree, and are not the slightest bit concerned that they do not have 3 kids before they are 30. I am obviously one of these women, as is my sister, so perhaps its a malfunction in our upbringing but we were raised to learn how to make our own money and not need to lean on the support of a man. My sister obviously took this lesson seriously by graduating from a top ranked law school and being a practicing attorney in NYC ever since, never depending on a man and still being single in the city (and happy) at 38. Like most things in my life, I did this half-assed. I believed my parents when they told me I didnt need a man to rely on however lacked the work ethic necessary to rely on myself which leaves me with two options: be the pathetic twenty something eternal daddy’s girl calling home whenever I get myself in a jam (which is far too often) or find myself the man on my bank accounts dreams. Either way I am relying on a man, so I mine as well find the latter to fulfill other “needs” as well.

Brooke Kibler believes in Prince Charming.  And she says she is dating him right now, and that she wants to marry him one day.  BUT, she is not willing to marry him until he is able to earn a living for them.  Brooke summed this up nicely as follows: “You can only live off of love sandwiches for so long”.  Queen of Hearts, her radio personality on Heart of the Matter (a college radio show) gives out love advice to callers while filling their heads with gushy love songs. Basically the opposite of anything you will ever hear come from me. I ask myself, is she wise beyond her years believing in the disney fairytale or is the hopeless in hopeless romantic starting to become a reality? Either way you look at it, from my pessimistic outlook or her storybook ending, noone is happy without food in their stomachs, a warm bed to sleep in, and in my case a credit card with no limit to fill my closet, because as you all know, that is where my happiness lies.

New Orleans-based band Coyotes have me drooling over their barroom sing-along-style Americana. The heady cacaphone of folk rhythms, ghostly horns and Duz Mancini’s raspy croon make me want to throw my arms around my best pals and sway to the music in a whiskey haze – they are the burn of a bourbon shot with a fizzy beer back, the soundtrack of a rollicking good time winding into the wee hours of the morning. If I sound infatuated, it’s because I am.

Coyotes got their start in Los Angeles a couple years back before finding their way to New Orleans, which they now call home, and will be releasing their debut album Cosmic in the Badlands on January 25th during their opening show for The Features at One Eyed Jack’s. Get a taste of their sound and vibe on their Kickstarter site, where you can pre-order their album, and also on their band website where you can listen to five live recordings. Be sure to come out for one of their upcoming shows in town and bask in their fine contribution to our rad local music scene.

 Every year for the past several years, I reprise my role as the Grinch who stole Christmas beginning the day after Thanksgiving. It seems as though every year the Christmas preparations start earlier and earlier with the window displays in stores, the Black Friday sales, and the carols on every radio station. I have nothing against Christmas (starting the week of), but this month long madness not only annoys me it stresses me out.  I can’t help but wish I was a kid again, because like everything else in our lives at that time things were simpler, and well….Christmas was much cooler.

5. You still believed in the “magic” of Christmas. You spent the whole month of December careful not to misbehave, because “he see’s you when you’re sleeping, he knows when you’re awake…” now the only person who can say that is your crazy ex boyfriend that shows up at your house uninvited, and the only thing stopping me from misbehaving now is the fear of a stage 5 hangover or a night in OPP. I was probably robbed of my “childhood beliefs” earlier than most having two much older siblings and a mother that had to take credit for every gift she bought so only ONE of them would be signed from Santa. Luckily for me, I didn’t care where the presents were coming from as long as they kept coming…and as a kid they did.

4. Getting much more than you give. Whoever started this mantra about it is much better to give than to receive was a liar and is personally responsible (as far as I am concerned) for ruining America. As a kid you were not expected to buy any gifts, and if you did it was with your parents money for your parents and trust me it was much better then. It also baffles me that as a kid I got far more than I ever needed or wanted but now as a struggling adult I get next to nothing. What did grandma expect me to do with that $100 when I was eight that she thinks would have been better put to use than the $10 she is giving me when I am 28?

3. An actual vacation. As a kid you got two weeks off of school for Christmas, but now as an adult you get 2 days off if you are lucky. What does a third grader need a vacation from that us hard working adults don’t? (Don’t worry people I’m not including myself in the hardworking category, that is for the rest of you that actually have jobs). And who can call your two days out of the office a vacation when you are busy cooking, cleaning, wrapping, and entertaining while the kids are busy eating, making messes, unwrapping, and being entertained?

2. Being left out of the family politics. You had no idea when you were five that all of your aunts and uncles hated each other and that spending this one day a year together was miserable for them. You didn’t have to have awkward conversations with distant family members in which you have nothing in common, or pretend to hear about all the cool places your cousin has traveled. No one was asking you why you are 28 and still single and when you plan on getting a job and most importantly you didn’t have to make choices on which holiday parties to attend because as a kid you went where your parents told you to go.

1. Christmas cookies. It was actually fun to help bake them and not have to clean up the mess. It was even more fun to eat them and not have to worry about spending the next three months in the gym trying to burn them off.

With that said, the great thing about being an adult is watching my four niece and nephews shear joy on Christmas and not being shooed away from the liquor table…ok who am I kidding, my mom is the alcohol police, she would still try to stop me if she could, but it definitely makes getting through the holiday a little easier. Instead of wasting my time sneaking around trying to find my presents before I am supposed to, as an adult I have mastered sneaking out to have sex with my boyfriend in the driveway. Merry Christmas to all, and to all a good lay!

Rachael is originally from Harrisburg, PA where she plans to be mayor one day. In the meantime she keeps busy cleaning the skeletons out of her closet, catering to the needs of a very spoiled Siberian Huskie, and hosting her own radio show, Plan DD: The morning after Rachael. Rachael can be reached for questions/comments at nolarach@gmail.com.

Being raised in a densely populated Jewish community and having mostly Jewish friends growing up most people just assumed I also was of Jewish decent. My large nose and Jew-fro probably didn’t help me convince these people otherwise, nor did the fact that our fridge was always filled with lox and bagels, my mom cooked potato latkes during Hanukkah, and the star on the top of our Christmas tree bared a striking resemblance to the Star of David. The only hotdogs I ever had as a kid were Hebrew Nationals, I knew all the words to the Jewish prayer “Baruch atah Adonai Eloheinu …” and there were more Jews at our annual Christmas Eve party than non. After years of disputing these allegations and wearing the biggest cross necklace I could find everyday to High School, when I was 18 and left home to attend college at the University of Tennessee I felt oddly out of place with none of “my people” around. We didn’t get out of class for Rosh Hoshana or Yom Kippur and when I verbalized these complaints to my friends no one knew what I was talking about. Looking back on my childhood I thought my parents were just very progressive and had assimilated to the various cultures around us. Little did I know that those around me knew more than I did about myself, when I found out at the age of 21 that both of my mother’s parents were (non-practicing) Jews. It wasn’t some huge secret my maternal family was trying to keep, my mother herself didn’t find out until the same time as me, and my grandparents only explanation was that they were not religious people and therefore it didn’t matter….and in most cases it would not but Judaism is that rare breed of religion that is also classified as ethnicity and although I am still not a practicing Jew, I am a product of the Jewish womb and for all intents and purposes am considered a Semite by “my people”. Sure there were clues along the way, my great grandmothers maiden name being Ruben (a very common and predominantly Jewish last name) and fitting into all the Jewish stereotypes. My mother (and grandmother for that matter) the epitome of the guilt inflicting Jewish mother, and myself the poster child for the spoiled and materialistic JAP (Jewish American Princess). While I felt mostly indifferent about this life altering news at such a late age, I have since begun to feel cheated at all the things Jewish that I missed. Here are the top 5 Things I missed out on all those years but plan on making up for now, starting with Hanukkah being that today is the first of eight crazy nights.

5. Hanukkah. I’m not so upset about the lighting of the menorah, or spinning dreidels for gelt (Hanukkah coins), but by my calculations, the 224 gifts I did not receive over the past 28 years. This number pales in comparison however to the amount of gifts I missed out on from…

4. My Bat Mitzvah. I have been to enough of these in my day to know that you bank enough to pay for your 4 year college tuition at an expensive private University (not that your Jewish parents would ever let you pay for your own tuition) and your first home… all at the ripe age of 13. That does not even include every piece of silver jewelry Tiffany & Co. has ever made and a fabulous party in your honor that rivals those seen on my Super Sweet 16 and in many cases surpasses the amount spent on a wedding.  I want my face on 13 year old’s t-shirts all over town….

3. My free trip to Israel, birthright. Before doing a little more research I thought I might still be able to pull this one off but the cheap Jews (too soon?) at the Taglit-Birthright Israel charity will only sponsor you up to age 27…so I am a year late and a dollar short (which is unacceptable to me now since I am sitting at home counting all my pennies) to discover my Jewish Identity and heritage.

2. Jewish summer camps. They claim that these are breeding grounds for Jewish Leadership but I say they are just breeding  grounds period, and I am a little pissed that as an inexperienced tween I missed out on my first hookup behind the sukkah drunk off of cheap Manischewitz wine. The only adult equivalent to make up for this lost experience is joining J-Date which for those of you wondering I already have. Find my profile @ newjew911.

1. Jew jokes. As a young comedian this has probably been the most detrimental of all. For those of you Seinfeld fans out there you might remember the episode where Jerry’s dentist friend converts to Judaism for the jokes? I probably would have already had my own sitcom by now had I not missed out on all these joke-worthy opportunities…not to mention I would speak Yiddish more fluently and could get away with calling people Gentiles.

Rachael is originally from Harrisburg, PA where she plans to be mayor one day. In the meantime she keeps busy cleaning the skeletons out of her closet, catering to the needs of a very spoiled Siberian Huskie, and hosting her own radio show, Plan DD: The morning after Rachael. Rachael can be reached for questions/comments at nolarach@gmail.com.

Pork banh mi with pickled mirliton salad, goat tacos with cilantro harissa and mirliton relish, housemade ginger beer, and crab salad sandwich topped with mirliton frites – if these delicacies (recent offerings at last month’s Mirliton Fest – hence the abundance of our favorite squash) are any indication of what’s to come at the soon-to-open Maurepas Foods, I think we can safely assume this restaurant will be a hit.

Set to open as a full-service restaurant at the corner of Louisa and Burgundy Streets in Bywater, Michael Doyle is Maurepas Foods’ owner and will be the head honcho of the kitchen, bringing with him years of experience as Sous Chef at the beloved Uptown fixture, Dante’s Kitchen.  Doyle and the folks at Maurepas Foods have been keeping local food lovers and neighbors alike up to date via Facebook, making mouths water with anticipation with each alert of progress.  The Maurepas Foods team has been lovingly renovating their new home for months, transforming a long-abandoned space; now adorned with large plate-glass windows and painted light green, this once-eyesore now presents an inviting façade.  Developing the menu as they complete the renovations, the new restaurant will be working with local farmers to provide the produce and meats that will stock its kitchen and fill plates.

Maurepas Foods will be filling a niche in a neighborhood not especially noted for its fine-dining options.  However, in recent months, there have been stirrings of great things on the horizon on the culinary front in this decidedly informal neighborhood: Iris’ owners, Ian Schnoebelen and Laurie Casebonne, are planning to open an Italian-influenced restaurant in the newly renovated Rice Mills Lofts; Satsuma recently began dinner service featuring a host of polished menu offerings; the Country Club continues to quietly wow patrons with its refined setting and dishes; and even Bywater Restaurant, now under new ownership and with a new chef at the helm, has begun to churn out a whole new level of cuisine.  The time is ripe for a new addition to this evolving neighborhood restaurant scene and it appears that Maurepas Foods is set to take its place in the emerging landscape of upscale dining a la Bywater (i.e., don’t expect any table cloths – except for at the Country Club – in the 70117 zip code).